How happiness has become something to have- rather than realising it’s there (within)

Written by Danielle Richardson

How happiness has become something to have- rather than realising it’s there (within)

Really think about this statement. How do we learn as humans? Do we come out knowing it all, or do we learn it? This isn’t a nurture nature debate blog, but really think about it. We are born with innate qualities, blessed from having good genes which make up our external shell. These genes make up our DNA structure and forgo our abilities to be less/more susceptible to certain illnesses and diseases. BUT these same genes have the capability to overcome unknown torment, tragedies, torture, trials and tribulations that life can throw our way. This ability to transcend our generic makeup is greatly influenced from our mindset, which is nurtured in and around our environment and derives from our belief in the supposed idea.

Our mindset isn’t ridged if we believe it isn’t.

“Your reality is a reflection of your strongest belief” (pinterest)

Our neuron plasticity is capable of learning anything if we believe it can. If a person wants to learn, and can, they will. Here lies the conundrum of the ideology of a growth or fixed, mindset.

So how has happiness become something to have, rather than realising its there?

Have you ever watched parents frantically trying to keep their baby ‘happy’?. That's all we want as parents, our children to be happy and comfortable and when they’re so little and helpless, it really is very simple. They’re hungry, they’re tired, they're too hot, they have a dirty nappy, they need a cuddle and kiss, they’re ill, or they’re teething.

However as we, able, little, forever learning, conscientious, courageous warrior like characters, can develop, is highly dependent on our dependable adults around us. These people play a key role in nourishing and nurturing a mindset. The ability to focus on the negatives of the day or find the positives within that negative, are highly determined by the mentality of the respective adults around the child.

Can you see the solution in the problem?.

The mindset of the adult who subconsciously teaches a baby/toddler/child that they need that toy to keep them happy. “Oh but they cry without it” Can you let them cry? Can you let them feel the emotion so that they can begin to comprehend in time, why they feel this way? Can you be that present comfort, for them instead.?

It is in our uncomfortableness, we can learn to find comfort.

Of course when we are little we are very vulnerable and it is necessary to protect our children from abuse period, but allowing them to feel a feeling is vital for learning. An emotion is something to go through, rather than around. We go around it by pacifying the child, with ‘stuff’. Toys, ice cream, dummy, the latest and greatest, all distractions from, feeling. Oh my god the babies crying let’s give them this and that. Oh now the toddlers screaming, throwing a toddler tantrum in complete rage at not getting what they want. The parent panics, because toddlers are great at not being socially conditioned, yet. As the screaming echoes full font, creating a crowd of people to stare at you, as the person to blame, in that awkward social embarrassment, you as the adult, then attempt to dampen the drama, with providing the child with ‘stuff’, to encourage the child to ‘be happy again’, to ‘behave’ in a societal acceptable way. Oh now the teenager is so unhappy and just wants more and more and I just can't understand why!

Are you surprised then, that adults learn to look out there for happiness, rather than learning they are responsible for the way they feel?.

I'm not happy because………

It’s dependent on something else.

That responsibility for how I am feeling, means owning how you feel in a moment. It means holding our emotions gently and being accountable as an adult. Means taking responsibility for our reaction to the picture on show. Means finding strength in seeing what shines, from the shit. To actually seeing the positives, within the negatives. That takes a lot of inner work and acceptance in acknowledgement of, the understanding, that……..

I choose, what I focus on.

Of course children cannot comprehend these big emotions, that is why we adults are there. We are there to support them see through these feelings. To sit with and find time for them, to be present in their little learning life, with a listening ear. To share advice from our experiences, to guide and support them grow out, in their journey.

“but mum id be so happy if you got me that toy right now!”

Our response to this endless stimulus, as the responsible adult in this little learning life, influences the capabilities of their little minds learning mentality of where they look too for happiness, as they grow.

You choose to be happy, I cannot make you happy.

Of course getting the toy, buying a car, house, new clothes, makes us feel happy and confident and boosts our self esteem. I’m not denying material matter improves our mood for a while. But it is only for a while, before, oh I just need more and more. Its endless.

The Oxford definition of happiness is “the state of being happy”. What does “state” mean? The Oxford dictionary states “the particular condition that someone or something is in at a specific time”

This surmises that happiness is dependable on an external factor, “someone’ or “something’.

However joy, is very different.

The definition from the Oxford dictionary says, it is “a feeling of great pleasure and happiness”

A feeling.

Where do feelings come from? out there? or within?

So of course happiness exists out there, we get happy from external matter, but our ability to feel happiness, depends on our choice, to feel it. It is influenced from the external, but is internalised by our choice to feel and perceive it as such. How can we support little lives to comprehend their feelings, if we’re constantly distracting them with external stimuli, thereby subconsciously feeding into their mind that to maintain their happiness, it is ‘out there’.

“You’ve got to have”

“I just want”

Endless external emptiness, which can make the exterior walls look great, but can leave our inners feeling empty and forever searching out there, to fill a hole that can only be fulfilled with our love and acceptance of and in, all our feelings. The good, the bad, the nasty and the utterly ridiculous.

Taking that treasured, testing time, when children are small, when we all can begin as a human to learn to understand feelings, in supporting them to comprehend the avenues available to them, to choose to perceive the feeling another way. To encourage the autonomy of their actions. To sit with them alongside their emotions, with love and acceptance of big feelings when they arise, and be a source of comfort in their dark times, to find the light from it. To be fully present for them, when they feel these big emotions that, often don’t paint, a pretty, socially acceptable picture.These feelings that society, encourage us to hide. That means stepping back from distracting them with a different canvas and being in control, by labelling a behaviour as right/wrong, good/bad and more in our understanding of the feeling and techniques, we can encourage children to use, to cope with life emotions, in a non judgemental way, towards them.

It’s ok to feel. It’s what we do with that feeling, that bares our reality.

We can keep going on about what happened to us, to make us feel unhappy, or we can learn to accept the choices we have as autonomous adults, to be responsible for the way we feel.

To choose to stop looking at that picture and choose to focus our energy elsewhere. Our stories are always different, but what we can share as humans, is our familiarity of feelings.

Can you sit with your shadow in stillness and without judgment and “let it be”?

There, lies our joy.